Evolving

"The taste of dried up hopes in my mouth and the landscape of Mary in desperate drought...."

"Allow yourself to be the poetry that inspires passion."

I'm not comfortable with how we never talk
And I miss you since you went out for that walk
Its been 13 months since May
It still feels like yesterday

I was scared to fix what I had broke
Its a lonely place to live with just a ghost
There is love left in my life, I will see
But you still hurt me

I can still see all your clothes thrown on the floor
There are friends who never call me anymore
I remember throwing out all of your things
But I think I kept my ring

I'm not comfortable with how the story ends
We were lovers and now we're not even friends
You were perfect and I guess I'm just a creep
But you still hurt me

Ha! This in an update.

I should probably make a real entry sometime soon. I have a lot of thoughts floating around. I walk around all day creating little poems and a list of things that I could update about, then I sit down to write and I lose all motivation to do so. I should try to fix that sometime. Bullet points, yes? Yes.

- Haven't talked to Kris since we broke up.
- Don't want to talk to Kris because I still hurt. And I'm fucking pissed.
- I should be more motivated to try harder in school. I should care more.
- I don't understand rebounds. I never really had one until recently? I don't even know if it's a rebound. I think rebounds weird me out.
- I appreciate that she doesn't have expectations and hasn't pushed me to make any decisions at this point.
- I am really queer.
- I want to buy an acoustic guiter. Like, right now please.
- I think it's ironic how I sleep with women and tend to be in a perpetual state of confusion about it.
- I have tried to compartmentalize my feelings about our current situation and it only confuses me more. I appreciate that you understand where I'm coming from and take the time to listen.
- I am finally starting to put things together in my mind about the break up so that I can move forward. I can think about things without crying, even if I still get upset, and sad.
- Read random LiveJournal entries from 2005-2007. It was awkward and I've noticed some ongoing issues that I still have with me today. (i.e. my state of relationships, my struggle with my queer identity, my desire to be with another trans guys, Dee's ongoing lack of support before and during my hormonal transition, etc.)
- I want to buy a pair of Chucks.
- I want to buy a Chrome bag because they have a cool buckle. Solely because of the buckle.
- Made homemade cheesecake and colored on the sidewalk with chalk; it was the most fun I have had in a long time.
- I want to travel.
- I want to work on losing more weight. I have also realized that every time I try doing so, I get depressed because I realize how out of shape I'm in.
- I tend to deal with really important, personal things by avoiding and ignoring them so I don't hurt.
- I want to fall in love. With life.
- I should sleep more.
- I need a new piercing.
- I miss old friends.

And so cute!

And this one:

And this is how we study for GeoSci:


Me: You are a Coccolithophore. Pronounced, coc-hoe-lick-a-more or.... cocco-lick-a-whore.
::gasps:: Ha!

Did you know that coc-hoe-lick-a-mores (or cocco-lick-a-whores) that are alive today have two golden-brown shaded pigment marks in their cell? Ultimately, one could translate this to mean, Kris....you poop your pants. That is just nasty.

Me: I am a Byrozoan!

Kris: ...more like a bi - hoe - zoan

Kris: Colin, colin... you do know that I was just telling the truth! You bi-hoe-zoans are always... and I mean ALWAYS in colonies.... you have to have tens of thousands of hoes all in one crusty calcereous structure?! That is just RUDE! All by yourself you're just a zooid--- extending your lopho-hore into the water to feed on anything that comes floating by.... you're going to get an STD if you keep that up!

Kris: Geeze... just cause I tell you you have a fluid filled cavity with muscles that can push.... (if you know what i'm saying) doesn't mean you have to get all defensive!


Me: When I saw you, the neutralism that challenges Neo-Darwinism went out the window. Evidence of your evolution , such as your vestigial structures and other "imperfections", just didn't matter to me! My attraction to you can be compared to Mendel's genetic pea plant experiment. Your genetics provides me with the theory of heredity that natural selection unfortunately, lacks! Let's go on a scientific cruise together!


Kris: Colin, hun... my vestigial structures are the work of sorcerers... my bones are dragon bones and thunderbolts from in the sky.... if you were from ~800 BC you would understand.... I guess that's just our age difference though. You like me because I'm magic---after all, You're no Steno... which is good because I'm not looking for modern answers to age ... Read More old questions here.... just a little Greek mythology and we'll see eye to eye.
You are my pea pod experiment... simply beautiful, and a timeless example of one of the greatest experiments ever done... I mean... not to say that you're an experiment... I'm just saying that my observations are leading me to question my methods and the underlying processes of everything I've ever called fact! Let's go to the ocean... after all.... most people from the time of thunderbolts (900-700BC) have never been!

I watched Sex and the City tonight. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I need to make a real update one of these days. So many things to write about.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

Are you having trouble keeping up Seeing this thing through
I want to know who you're running from Me or you
You're too confused to open up Feel the way I do
I want to know who you're thinking of cause I really have no clue

Another game of charades
Don't you know everybody plays
I don't want to lose to you that way
Maybe we'll be different this time around
Maybe we'll be different I don't know
Don't want to strangle this, so I'm holding back for now

Calm down don't take it too far
I know only time can heal scars
So I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are
(Tied down) Don't want any false starts
I can do without the time apart
So I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are

Are you having trouble keeping up You know that I will wait
I wonder if it's good enough To make you stay
You're too confused to open up You don't know what to say
Well you can tell me if you think it's love I won't be far away

I want to know if you're thinking of me
I'll be counting the hours even though I know I'm free
Too soon to take a chance No more questions left to ask
I could be anything, but the one thing I'm not sure you want to be

Calm down don't take it too far
I know only time can heal scars
I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are
Don't want any false starts
I can do without the time apart
I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are

Calm down don't take it too far
I know only time can heal scars
So I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are
Calm down Don't want any false starts
I can do without the time apart
So I'm ready when you are When you are
I'm ready when you are

Calm down, I'm ready when you are

I feel like I need to write about some new happenings in my life which have been turning things upside down. In a very good way.

I have been spending almost all of my (very little) free time, with Kris. Levi and Kris mutually broke up and I have been very hesitant to update because I do not want people to think they broke up on account of Kris and I. For the record, things have caught me completely off guard and despite the attraction I had for him while him and Levi were together, I completely respected their relationship and well....things with M were bona fide uncertain and fucked and truth be told, I was chasing after Nathan for a hot minute after the conference.

When Kris informed me of the mutual break up, we began to mutually flirt. Apparently there was a lot of mutual things going on. I thought we were pretend flirting but soon enough, we were like, "Wait...are you being serious? Because I am."

I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to people spending the night and sleeping in my bed with me. I usually freak out, don't sleep, sleep on the couch, and/or eventually tell whoever, that it is best that they go home. It has been like that for me since Dee and I split up over two years ago. It has taken me over two years to feel comfortable falling asleep next to someone and Kris has been over for the past three nights. The first night resulted in me tossing and turning, not getting any sleep, and wanting to freak out in the morning when I woke up next to him. I did have a slight anxiety attack and despite that, he remained understanding and didn't make me feel like I was being an ass. Later that evening, we talked about my insecurities, anxieties, what triggers my freak outs, and why I have issues with letting my roommates know things (mostly because if I am going to have someone around, I want to know exactly how I'm feeling about things and what the intentions are). After that conversation, I fell sleep with someone next to me and woke up being held.

Basically, I will spare you more ridiculous details...for now. Feelings are mutual, communication is wonderful, and I am really happy with how things are going. We decided to call it. And I see potential.

Oh Prudence!

I watched Across the Universe for the second time this weekend....instead of doing homework. Go me! I will finish my papers while I am at work. This holiday weekend was wonderful and I am very thankful for the friends that I was able to see and the happiness that I felt. I have always taken more comfort in my friends than in my family. I wish I was closer with my dad and step mom but I just don't think that is possible with the step mom around. I have found myself thinking about what my relationship with my dad would be like if he wasn't married to B. I find that I feel most at home when I am not only at my house, but even more so when I am in company of friends.


This weekend has really helped me out a lot and the break from classes has been amazing. I was feeling like this for the past few weeks:



And T, this may or may not help to explain the current situation:


I am hoping make a more in depth post when it is not 3:30am and when I don't need to be up early and freaking out and doing all of the homework I should have done three days ago. P.S. I am learning how to shave with a straight razor and someone licked one of my sideburns on a dare. It was perhaps one of the most uncomfortable things ever & so much fun.

I have been thinking about a Metoidioplasty. I haven't reached any conclusions yet but I figured I would invest in a pump from Dr.Meltzer's office. That is all.